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A Glimpse of My 2019

2019 was so full of hatred, anger and bitterness that I almost couldn't afford to stay calm and be patient all the time. This also leads me to cut off a couple of relationships. See, when you fill yourself with negative energy, you are not capable to neutralize them anymore when people throwing them at you. Instead, the negative energy within you will either be charged or triggered by those toxic people.

I couldn't deal with the source of pain that caused me anger, hatred and bitterness at the moment no matter how hard I try. But I couldn't afford myself to stay angry all the time. So, I distant myself from them. Those who are dishonest hypocrites, condescending, manipulative and sarcastic jerks. I try to ignore the sarcasm, the lie and the acting by pretending I don't understand or know nothing about it. But here's the thing: I always know. I just don't really care. They don't hurt me but I don't want their toxic words and behavior to fuel the fire I try to contain within myself.

2019 witnessed how bitter I have become. Don't get me wrong. I am far from jealous. It's the unfairness decision and action that bring me down. When people try to talk to me about it, my throat feels dry and sore, I can feel my heart turns ice cold instantly and it's even hard to swallow my own spit. Some people can even notice my dark aura that emerges out of my body when the topic was brought up, which they respect and understand me enough not to continue it on.

You know, I learned from a long time ago that when you are angry, silent is the best answer to keep you away from doing or uttering things you might regret later. So, I become more silent these days. I also have become a very simple person. If you wrong me, then I just pray you will taste the very same bitter medicine you forced me to eat. Only then, we can talk about forgiveness. Don't worry, I won't be the one throwing it, but life will. I think if people don't know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes, they ought to learn how it feels to wear the very same shoes. Maybe then, they will learn the word of empathy and try to be a little bit nicer to other people.

I don't think I had it worst in 2019. I went home this year. I met everyone I love. But their positive energy was still not enough to put out the fire raging inside me. That's not the worst part. The worst part is, I'm afraid I will carry on this hatred, angry and bitterness within me at least till the end of summer next year. How unfortunate of me to walk on this path: a path of destruction.

With 2019 almost coming to an end, I hope I can find peace and happiness again. I hope I can let go of what's not meant for me and have faith in Allah, that He will replace what He took with something better. I hope I can understand the hikmah of what happened and do not regret the right thing I chose to do. After all, I should leave alone things that do not benefit me in the next life and abandon what I fear its consequences in the hereafter.

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