A Review of 2017 and 2018

So I write this after I finally overcome the biggest crisis during my study here. There is a rule here that you can only repeat your paper up to three times and if the third time you fail too, then you cannot continue your study anymore and will not be allowed to pursue any course that has the same subject, not just limited to your university but overall in the country.

Who thought such days will come for me but it happened to be as a part of my journey and now it is a history in my life. For two semesters in a row, I failed to pass this examination. And that was just one of the things that I had to deal with during that time. If I count all the misery I had, I will forget to look at all the blessings that came with it. 2017 was hectic and full of dramas. It kicked off with the passport incident and to make it worst I made the wrong calculation and decision and ended up with a heartbreak.

2018 to me was a proof of God's promise: Verily with the hardship, there is relief. When 2017 ended, I tried to walk with the desire to change, that my whining and cowardice have to end, that it's no one but me has to seize the chance. I let go what keep holding me back, I let go all my feels and pain inside, I let go of the things I can't control.

It wasn't all smooth tho. I remembered the time after holding things up for months, right before the exam's weeks started, I broke down. When I finally lost hope and believed that all my efforts weren't enough and wasted, I broke down. As a consequence, I had to deal with heavy chest pain for a month and more. I ignored it tho and just lived with it. I lost around five kilos altogether during the winter semester.

I know me better and it wasn't the first time in my life, when my body fails to act due to the stress I try to cope. Briefly before I flew to Germany, I had frequent back spasm all thanks to the anxiety for a new life I will have.

I can recall too, to the day I started having unusual and severe headache pain because I shut down my brain every time it tried to think of something. And that something was important but it's me trying to run away from the facts and reality.

Lucky me, there is nothing permanent in the world. They come and go as the time heals what love couldn't. But it costs me. I take more time now to react when it involves memories. I forget easily and sometimes completely. I don't autosave everything anymore. To sum up, my new memory has a surprisingly short span. It just evolves around the things within three months or less. I found myself already forgot about the address of the last house I stayed in and it has only been two months since I moved to a new house.

I tell you so you could understand and forgive me, if one day you find me fail to remember who we were before. Don't take it to the heart because every moment I spent with you, I cherish it and keep it in my heart, tho I know I might forget.

Here's the thing I stick to: Pain does change people but don't allow it to turn you into something you are not. Be better than the one who hurt you, who decided to leave you, who betrayed you, who used you. And most of all, be better than the one who offered their help to you, be better than the one who is there for you through your worst and your best, be better than the one who believes in you, be better than the one who you look up to.

In 2018, I had the chance to live my dream life but as all things do, they won't last forever. But still, I thank to Allah for all I had and have. Contrary to 2017, 2018 was more calm, full of laughter and happiness, bright with peace and love. That's all I could ever asked for. I learn to distinguish what's really important and what's not. I learn what it costs if you break your rules. I learn with regret what's not meant to be, will never be what you want it to be, and if it's meant to be, it will be what it's meant to be. See, some days you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen. The good, the bad, and all the blessings in disguise.

A little reminder to myself: Forgive yourself. Had you known better, you will do it the other way round. But here's the thing: If you keep lingering around your past, thinking you could have done better than that, at the end of the day you will find yourself getting nowhere other than nothing. So let's all agree that: Yeah, you could have done better than that and should have done better than that during that time. So can you turn back time to the best time you are so desperate to make some changes? If no, I'll tell you the second-best time: It is now. Don't miss it.

When I flashback, Allah has never left me alone. He sent His help through countless people. Everyone made it easy for me and went out of their way just to help me. But I have to constantly remind myself that not everything I want would be the best for me. I have to believe in my prayers when I say: O Allah, grant me what's best for me. Detach your desire and be thankful for everything that you asked for. Remember, He gives you exactly what you need and sometimes what you need isn't what you want.

I hope you remember what 2017 and 2018 taught you. May you remember who helped you before you even had to ask and bear in mind that you are nothing today without their kindness and consideration. Now, it is your duty to keep spreading the kindness you tasted without looking who is the one to receive or whether or not they will be able to repay you back. Things go around in unexpected ways. What you give, you will get back. And the world doesn't revolve around just the same person.

And I wish 2019 and the upcoming years will fill with more success, joy, peace and kindness for you. It's not easy to live far from home and alone. But here's when you truly learn: Cukuplah Allah sebagai Tuhanku. Alhamdulillah