As we are approaching the end of the year 2020, I find my heart starts to fill with rage and fire again. I'm hurt and angry (probably at God again). I know we all have a hard time this year but we are not exactly in the same boat. As for me, I saw 2020 as a hope, that after everything I went through in 2019, 2020 is going to be fine. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. And now we are already in December, I think I've lied to myself enough.
So, let's summarize what happened in the year 2020. First of all, I had a sleep disorder. My sleep problem was terrible and it all started after I came back to Germany. Sometimes, I was getting like 3 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. This disaster continued on for almost 8 to 9 months. However, this sleep disorder helped me a lot while getting through Ramadhan. So, for the first time since I arrived in Germany, I can follow another version of the prayer calendar, which I believe is more nature convincing.
Oh yes, mentioning about Ramadhan, I can recall that this is the first Ramadhan ever since I am a Muslim adult, in which I reluctantly practice the fasting and solat terawih. I told myself every day that I don't want to fast or celebrate Ramadhan. My heart was heavy and I don't really know why. I think it was because I knew that there will be no Eid celebration because of the pandemic. Nevertheless, thank God I am fine now and can sleep normally and peacefully.
I think it was a blessing in disguise or rather more of a curse than a blessing when one of us was tested positive for CoVid-19. They were having a farewell party for a fellow friend, who just finished his study and will be going home in the next week. I was absent during that time and therefore, didn't need to do the 14-days quarantine. So, I had to be their runner for almost two weeks. Needless to mention, the case numbers were soaring high at that time as Germany faced the second wave. I remember standing in the cold weather for almost 1 hour outside, waiting for the visa of the fellow student, who couldn't personally be there because he too was tested positive. Anyway, time flies fast and 14 days too, passed quickly just like that.
That CoVid-19 incident happened in late October. The timeline of this story is a bit distorted but who cares. So, let's jump back to early March, where I believe the CoVid-19 cases in European countries started to climb rapidly. Italy was one of the first and had to issue a nationwide lockdown on 9 March in an attempt to control the crisis when the authorities announced that around 9,000 people had been infected by the virus. Me, on the other hand, during that time was very busy, as I have already started working on my thesis. The second project work has just also barely begun. I need to appoint that I was feeling a little exhausted and I was in dire need of a break. The second semester was very heavy with assignments and classes, and I have been working non-stop. Plus, I overused my brain for the examination and gave all out to memorize the answers. On top of that, I had trouble with sleeping, remember?
To be honest, the last week of February was the busiest one for me. I had to sit for my examination and at the same time, I was getting ready for different interviews. Alhamdulillah, all went well. I passed the examinations with good grades, I also passed the interview and that's how I landed working my Master's thesis at a company, namely ZF. A week later, I got an offer to go to Japan for a voluntary internship. It was scheduled for 5 months starting in October. I was relieved and finally decided to settle down as I thought things are finally going well. Little did I know that nature had another plan for us.
I already had a weekly meeting with my supervisor for six weeks before Germany decided to declare curfew/lockdown. At that time, I still have things unsettled, but since the company was forced to close and employers start working from home, I had no choice but to wait. Deep down, I know things aren't going back to normal in a couple of weeks. Later, I had a Skype meeting with my supervisor and he told me the truth and it was harsh. Not that he delivered the news to me harshly, but the reality kicked me back into the darkness. I had to wait till the end of May for the confirmation, whether or not I can continue working my thesis with them. As for the student project, I can only get in contact again with my professor in late May, three months after our first meeting!.
I have no energy left to be angry and I got no one to blame since it was nobody's fault. All I do was sigh and shook my head every time people asks what I have been up to. No one knows, except my family and my friends in Malaysia. I coped with the situation by starting to play video games. I stopped playing video games in 2018 after a year playing. I decided that it was for the best since it is time-consuming. Back then, I was doing my internship and had so much time to kill, so I played for fun with my friends. Now that I had nothing to do, I installed back a couple of games on my phone to distract my thought. I was so worried but I knew there's nothing I could do and I kind of already knew what's going to happen. I mean, my instinct told me that there's no way I'm going to continue my thesis at the company and I should look for a new one already at the university.
It wasn't until in the early May that I knew I had to live in reality when I received a call from my supervisor suggesting me to find a back-up plan at the university. I was devastated although I saw this coming. I started to feel angry. I mean, they should let me know far earlier than that. I waited for two months and more for nothing. I worked on the topics for three months for nothing. I wasted my time for nothing. That's what I told myself at that time. But I had no choice too, except to get back up and find another topic at the university. I emailed three different professors asking them if they have any topic for me to work on for my thesis. Only one answered and that one is far more than enough. Alhamdulillah, I officially started working on a new topic in June and the company finally gave me confirmation about my thesis's status a week before. As I said before, I saw this coming and I moved on. It's not anyone's fault and we are all in a difficult situation. The internship in Japan? I emailed them to turn down the offer officially without hearing from them ever again since the outbreak.
Fast forward, we are already at the end of 2020. My anger towards God has faded once again and I manage to calm down. How? The news on the CoVid-19 virus mutation in London knocked some sense into my head. I mean, my biggest lesson from this pandemic is to live in the present. I am a person with a plan every time. I even have a back-up plan if my first back-up plan doesn't work. But it is useless to plan far ahead during this pandemic as everything is unstable right now. You can't even predict what will happen next week. Your plan for next week might have to be cancelled a day before, who knows. So, when the news came, I realized I have to put my faith in Allah because I don't know everything. He will definitely give me what I need, and what I need, might not be what I want. After all, He knows what best for me.
Now, looking back at 2020, I still can say: Alhamdulillah, it wasn't that bad. (Actually, I say this every time at the end of the year lol) Well, 2020 wasn't the worst year of my life. That should be counted as a blessing, right? Anis, I know 2019 and 2020 were hard but you endured and you persevered well. If only people know what you have been through, they might cry for you. You have been so strong all this time, Anis. Your heart bears so much but you keep going on. I am sorry you had to face this all alone. I am sorry you couldn't find the word to share it with others. And I am really sorry for your loss. And by that, I mean everything; your sleep, your time, your money, your friends, your health, your happiness, your dad and many more. May Allah replaces them with something far better. But I hope, when your study ends, you can finally let go of all the anger and the grudge. Move on and forget all the things and the people that happened to be in between. I wish fate fares you the best in 2021.
After all, it wasn't that bad Alhamdulillah. So, long story short, it was a difficult time. Long story short, I think I survived. Alhamdulillah. I think in a few years, I can only remember 2020 as the year I waited for adik every evening to play a video game together hahahahaha. Ohh, and I wish the best too for the readers. Happy New Year, everyone! And take care! Stay healthy!
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