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Post Amid CoVid-19

Hi, everyone. I have to get my thoughts out of my head, so here I am writing something you might find ridiculous. Considering the number of people infected in Germany due to CoVid-19 rising sharply in just two weeks with no end in sight, I started to play the what-if scenario.

Before I came here, I asked Allah one thing for sure. Whatever happens, do not let me get sick and do not let me die here. It's not that I fear death. It's more about I don't want to trouble anyone. Because when you die outside of your country, the rule will be different. They might have to bring your body back to Malaysia. The procedure is long and troublesome.

I have caused so much trouble when I lived and I don't want to leave trouble too when I'm gone. And what about my belonging here? I couldn't imagine how much people have to settle it down for me just because now I'm dead. On the other hand, I think I will gladly welcome death with open arms if only it happens in Malaysia. Not that I won't cause any trouble when I die, but the burden is more likely bearable for the people I left behind when in Malaysia.

I'm not ready to die and my preparation is not enough too. Yet, if death comes, I'll say it's okay, I'll go with you without fighting back. Why? I have many things I want to do and I want to achieve in this life. And I always give my best and strive to get the best outcome. But sometimes I let greed and worry consume me, living like I will always live for another hundred years, when I know life in this dunya isn't worth it and won't last forever.

So, lately, I tend to see death as a resting place where I don't have to participate in the racing anymore. I see death as a stop button and a signal for me to stop fighting for a place in this world. You know, when we live we couldn't help but to live like we are racing. Whether it's a race against each other proving who is the better, or against the time rebelling against nature, or against the destiny trying to change what's already written. They all are exhausting.

I am tired and I see no end but I know I have to keep living and trying my best. I don't have it worst in my life. In fact, I am one of the luckiest as I was born as Muslim. Don't get me wrong. This post is merely to state how I feel or think about welcoming death at this moment. Anyway, I pray that, whenever is that, when it happens, we will all die only when Allah is pleased with us and has forgiven us all.

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